envy

“Hold my hand , Mademoiselle . “
“ Let me take you . And i just want you to be by my side.”

.

if you’re seeing this , i don’t know what happened to me , i could be dead or alive or just inactive , i don’t really care about the date and all of that . i just want to write this to let you guys know .i’ve tried committing suicide so many times in my life and only got close once , back in april . honestly it’s embarrassing to think about it , it’s embarrassing writing this now but i love you all so dearly so i just felt the need towhy? i’ve always had these feelings of mine i’ve been holding for so long eating me up inside and out. it ruins me so much i barely have energy for anything. the constant stratches i give myself just to be able to be active honestly is just pitiful . seriouslynobody actually likes me , and i’m just actually so unbelievably unloveable . i try my best to hangout with my friends but i always end up dragging myself back to sleep and ignoring them. not out of annoyance but it feels pressuring . like i have to answer . or they’ll hate me too , or even more than they doi’ve never had such a streak like how i do right now , all my talking stages/situationships leaving me for another girl 💔 it seriously gets tiring . and draining . honestly i never cared until a certain someone. that’s why ive been backing away from relationships. because that fucked me up more than anything just for him to not care , do u know how embarrassing that is ?? how it feels to watch the person u loved more than anything fall inlove with someone in your face? and not even care even when they know what their doing ? i hate that. i hated that. but with my whole body and soul , i still love him more than ever. it’s seriously embarrassing. but it’s no point in trying to hide it , when he’s too busy trying to get her back for the past three months while i fucking watch and wish i was her , who won’t even appreciate what and who she has. he won’t see this , he CANT see this .honestly. this all seems so petty of me . especially because i know some people actually cared for me and tried looking out for me. but ive been stuck in this continuous loop for the past almost three years of my life and i dont see a end to this , besides my own . i want to be better . but i always end up digging a deeper hole for myself . i hate how imperfect i am . i hate how i cant listen to anyone’s words anymore and i hate how i always let people manipulate me and get under control of me . it’s pathetic. honestly. wanting to be friends with people who were the reason why i almost killed myself in april, made me feel like shit for my own human feelings and treated me horribly and got mad at me for defending myself. i hate that. so much , im pathetic. just a genuine waste of space . i cant find a right place for myself no matter how hard i mold myself into this person i will never be . i’m so done

DNI

if my status says do not interact DO NOT INTERACT. i won’t respond to you until im back on iwec (interact with extreme caution) . im always on it if im not on dni because im extremely sensitive, so like yea.. if i block u or like get mad at u for no reason immsory. i’ll unblock you once im better